Let's Talk About Sex

... baby.

Alright, first off, let me just admit that I am drunk off my face. I was at a protest/riot kinda thing and I accidentally drank a molotov cocktail. My bad.

That being said, my mind turns to sexing.

Q & A:

Q: How is sexing best done?
A: Frequently. Enduringly. Vigorously/sensually/slowly/passionately/covered in hummus. All are good options.

Q: Are there any rules about pubic hair?
A: There are two. 1. "Less is more." 2. "Bald is scary." (note: cancer patients are exempt from #2)

Q: What's your favorite position?
A: It's called The Reverse Superfly (a.k.a. The Jimmy Snooka Special). I can't tell you how it's done. I can't even draw it without the use of AutoCAD. If you're extremely flexible (and covered in mint jelly) I might show you. Send pictures.

Q: Is it true a monkey was once involved in one of your sexual acts?
A: He just held the video camera, and he was very professional.

Q: A girl I slept with said that you can't get STDs if your Qi (chi) is strong enough.
A: A) I want to meet this girl. B) Go to the clinic RIGHT NOW you idiot!

Q: Does alcohol give you problems with your erection?
A: I soaked my balls in a bowl of triple sec for two hours once. I could only get about 86% hard after that, but that may've been due to the too-vigorous licking taking place directly south of Bonersville. Other than that, no.

Q: What should I do while my boyfriend is unwrapping the condom?
A: If you're not going down on him while he's struggling with the stupid wrapper then he should break up with you. Maybe that's harsh. Really, though, this little nugget of info may just save your relationship; at the very least it will make your sexlife better.

Q: Fisting?
A: No.

Q: What is the ideal colour for a woman's nipple?
A: They're all the same color inside my mouth.

Q: I'm a 19-year-old Russian gymnast. I still am having virginity.
A: Contact my manager. Marty Silver. Immediately.

-Leif 5.15.08 4.41.am

Got more questions? Leave 'em in comments. I'll get to them.

1 vs. 2

Alright, I've been dodging this issue for a while now, but I feel that it's my time to reveal all.

First of all, I'm completely shit-faced.

Let me just put that right out there.

The issue we deal with now is: PC or Mac.

Well...

I'll tell ya, old LG was a long time PC guy. I mean, sure, I had an Apple IIe back in the day (my dad owned practically half the company back then), but after that I had a PC that was a 486 66, and man was that fast. That harddrive on that thing was HUGE. I think it was 30 megabytes or something. Massive shit, right?

Anyway... did I mention I'm shit-canneed?...

So, making videos (and you know I insist on a lot of creative control) is a lot of hard work, and sometimes circumstances are as such that you have to do a lot of work yourself, unexpectedly. You need a set of tools to get you through all that, and Mac had those tools, PC didn't (or they didn't work as quickly or as well). So, suddenly, here I am, I life-long PC guy, here with a Mac.

And all my friends (some of whom work at Apple Stores) swear to me that I am going to love it, and everything is so great and so easy. Well, yeah. If you're starting from scratch (or an earlier Mac operating system), I'm sure it's the easist thing in the world, but coming from another operating system... I find it really obnoxious.

I find it obnoxious that iTunes won't play WMA files, but there's not viable Mac product that will play all your music from one file. Where is WinAmp for Mac!??!?!? I have to throw out a third of my music because it happens to be in WMA format? Fuck you pal.

Then you're just going to go ahead and let iTunes reorganize all your music in different folders (or copy it to my internal harddrive, THEN reorder it... even if there's not enough room on my internal HD), and that's the crux of the issue I have with the Mac OS...

It's so limiting. There is often only one way to do something. Virtually nothing is customizable. It want to have everybody's stuff looking just the same.

Well fine, pal, I understand that may make Macs more compatible with each other, but what about the rest of the world? Why not make those of us who are coming over from a Windows platform feel just a little bit of comfort, here (and I'm speaking of more advanced users I suppose), let us do some of it myself. Just because you want it one way, does NOT mean that I want it that way, too.

I miss being able to tweak all the little settings, so I can customize my experience. The Mac operating system still feels like Big Brother to me: "You don't have to think, we've done it all of you. Just come and do things our way... our way... our way..."

Well guess way? Leif Garrison does things HIS OWN way, as does the league of Leifheads behind him. Leif Garrison wants a a world of choices, not easy answers.

That being said, if you think I'm going to get a new computer with the Vista platform, you've been sniffing glue. I need some powerful tools, and I need them to work.

So, don't get too excited, Mac. Winning a race because your only competition fell down is a hollow victory (no matter how strong and fast they once were). You've been extremely cocky lately (and it's in the Kool-aide, because it trickles down to your Mac Store employees and fiercely dedicated Mac users). Beware. One of these days a company like Google is going to come out with a new operating system that leaves y'all in the dust.

And fuck iTunes. Do not be fooled, that is a shitty program.

-LG

And Another

Add Revver.com to the list of sites that have featured an episode on their main page, and they want to feature more!

Sweetness.

-LG 4.17.08

Just a 'lil Attention

The Leif Garrison Project is currently featured on blip.tv 's main page. Very cool.

THEN I received an email this morning, informing me that it's also been chosen as one of the featured videos on www.crackle.com

This is good progress. Now let's see if we can get YouTube's attention... or maybe Michael Eisner's...

Love,
Leif

Tax This!

Yes, here it is again, my pretty ones. That time of the year where we say W.W.W.N.D? What Would Willy Nelson Do? Or Wesley Snipes, for that matter? Between "Sad Songs and Waltzes" and "Passenger 57", I love them both, but when April 15th rolls around, you want to do the opposite of what they did.

And yet, for all that, what are we getting for our tax dollar? Murder? Constitutional amendments? Invasion of privacy? Torture?

This is, as Gandhi would say, "A shitty deal."

Why is it that what we choose to do with our tax dollar is so monstrous? Meanwhile, our kids are DUMBER and less educated than the kids in virtually every industrialized country (and even some developing countries... at least they know multiple languages), and virtually every teacher I know is next to broke. Okay, so it's not going to our education system.

The vast majority of my friends here in Brooklyn DO NOT have health insurance, and it's not because they're lazy and it's not because they don't want it. It's because if you live in New York and you want a half-way decent insurance policy, you're looking at spending 700 bucks a month! That's more than most of my friends' rent!! And that's not even for a premium policy. No dental either. Okay, so it's not going there.

The arts? HA! Are you kidding me? Theatre companies, galleries, and music venues have been closing down in the last eight years in unprecedented numbers. Things are bad out there. You'll notice that more and more theaters are doing plays with smaller and smaller casts, because they can't pay the actors (then more actors can't pay rent, as a result). Meanwhile, over in Germany, they are giving their artists more and more, bigger and bigger grants to their artists to do, really, whatever the fuck they want to. How many times have I seen an installation filled with ceramic vaginas with fish-tails and gills? More times than I'd care to admit, but this is great for the artists. And this is GERMANY we're talking about here! 'member when they followed Hitler into WWII? And we can't do better than these guys when it comes to supporting our artists!? Come on, America.

Okay, so were is it going? That's right, it's going to WAR. It's not going to the hospitals that take care of the men and women that fight the war, but it's going to war. It's going to the bigger guns, and the deadlier bombs, and the Blackwaters of the world to guard what our administration thinks of our assets out there. Meanwhile, George W. Biotch is promising to make sure the Iraqis have secure and fair elections, and to make sure that every man woman and child will have health care.

WHAT!?

Legitimate elections and universal health care!?!? WE DON'T EVEN HAVE THAT HERE!!!

Why am I paying taxes so you can blow some people up, so you can then patch them up, when my friend's mom is dying of cancer HERE, IN AMERICA, because she doesn't have health insurance and can't afford all the treatments she needs!? Explain that to me!

In conclusion, thanks for the refund check that I'll be getting in a few months, Mr. President. Sure is neat. But instead, maybe you could keep that, and buy our troops some functional bullet-proof gear. Or you could give our sick the help they need. Or you could keep our artists from starving so they can get back to making this country a place WORTH LIVING IN.

-Leif Garrison
4.15.08 9.16am

Detention Always Sucked

Yeah, you remember it, don't you? Back in high school, or junior high school, once, twice, maybe four times a week, you had detention. Air-guitar solos in math class, drawing provocative tattoos on girls with a Bic pen in Civics, I can't even tell you how many times I got kicked out of Sex Ed (that woman new nothing! Tried to explain to her that I'd learned the difference between orgasm and ejaculation, and she totally lost her shit. Marty was investigated. Totally sucked, but we laughed about it later. Anyway, I digress.). So it's universal, is what I'm saying: detention blew goats.

So why is it that today we as Americans are still putting people in detention? Not because they shot somebody in the face with a rubberband-launched paperclip, either (which was a total accident) -- these people did nothing. AND they're not in some fluorescent classroom surrounded by the hottest girls in school (who got sent there for making out in class -- with you no less! How does that makes sense? Lock up the wolf with the hens why don't you? Awesome-sauce. But again, I digress.) No. They're not in high school, and they're not even in America. They're in a Guantanamo Bay Detention Center, and that's one of the few places in this world that has got to be less fun than junior high.

How can we, as Americans, Americans who were once late for guitar lessons because of detention, endorse detention? "Oh, but they're evil!" "Oh, they could be terrorists!" "Oh, we have to protect our daughters!" Yeah? Well:

1. "Good" and "evil" are imaginary (subjective) concepts that are not even quantifiable, for if "we are all sinners" (as I hear we are, from my Catholic friends), does that not mean that we're all some percentage of evil? Where's the cut-off point? What is the unit of measurement?

2. Yeah, he could be a terrorist. Or maybe he's just wearing a turban. I mean, what the hell are the criteria here? Do we really need to be holding someone for three years when we have literally zero information indicating that they are in anyway linked to terrorist organizations? And no lawyer!? No wonder they're in Gitmo -- they'd never get away with that shit here! And a huge percentage of these people are AMERICANS just like you and me, except with better tans and maybe more facial hair.

Side note: The first time I heard the term "Gitmo" I thought it was some giant liquor store, like "BevMo". "Git mo' for your dollar at GitMo!" or something.

3. I've heard the "Protect our daughters" argument from a thousand angry fathers, and guess what? Your daughters are going to get themselves into trouble (and likely with me) no matter what. One day they're born, and then you blink and they're not virgins anymore. I know, dad, "What a world! What a world!" Calm down. We used protection.

Hang on. This thing is cashed. One sec.

Ahhh... much better. What was I talking about? Oh, okay, here's a thing:

To add further irony to the situation is that our current president, George W. Biotch, undoubtedly spent a huge percentage of his youth in detention. I mean, come on. In every classroom in America right now, there is some young douche-bag shooting spit-wads at the nerdy kids and laughing with impunity because, oh I dunno... maybe his dad is the head of the CIA. In any case, if the image of mini-Bush eating paste doesn't come to you easily, then you just haven't been paying attention. He knows how cold (and unflattering) those florescent are!

See? That's that whole, "now the hunted becomes the hunter" thing. Or maybe that's not what I mean. I'm talking about a circle of violence, though. Someone who was beaten up becoming the beater-upper. Only the thing is, we understood why we were in detention!! I took off Jenny Sidlemann's bra with my teeth in Civics. Bush (probably) stashed a Hustler in his Comparative Religion book. Hey, I'm not saying that those things were "wrong", but we knew, doing them, that there would be tight-asses who wouldn't approve, and there'd be a penalty. Fine. Accepted. But so many these people at Guantanamo haven't done ANYTHING WRONG!

Stop the unwarranted detention! The the circle be broken, damnit!

Alright, I've got a group of Gregorian chanters in my living room I'm supposed to meet with, so I gotta go. But think about this.

All my love,

Leif Garrison
4.13.08

Testing, Always Testing

Hey lovers,
Leif here. Just wanted to squeeze off a quick test shot off my blog, if you know what I'm saying.

What? Oh -- hold on.

Sorry. Jewels was nibbling my ear...

I gotta go take care of something.

More soon.

XOXOXO,
LG